It was just three years ago. The most joyous moment of my life, and I remember it like it was yesterday.
I wonder sometimes what heaven is like. And I think that perhaps, if it is really as wonderful as we hope it is that someday, when I leave this earth, I will enter that moment of your birth again. Because it is the sweetest heaven I could ever taste and I could relive every moment of it infinitely--the way you smelled, the sound of your cry, the way your skin felt against mine and the way my heart at that moment was set to beat with yours. I yearned for you my entire life and in that moment--that precious moment--the planets aligned and the world was very, very good indeed.
Lainey, there is no way I can ever tell you how much I love you. How much my heart aches and stretches and smiles with watching you grow. But I will show you. I will show you every beautiful day of your life that I indeed was made to love you.
Three years of nights with your warm little body pressed into my back as you breathe deeply and dream.
Three years of laughter--your blonde head tipped back and your sunny spirit released with that smile.
Each year, each day, each moment, you bloom more beautifully, drawing me in, teaching me more.
And Baby, I'll never forget this year. This year when I needed you so badly. This year when your presence comforted and guided me through difficult days. This year when you taught me how to love.
You don't know what you've done for me yet but someday, I will tell you about the day I watched you become a big sister and how you accepted her, loved her, embraced her even before me.
I hurt because I thought I failed you this year. I thought I failed to give you something I wanted you to have but I know now I gave you just what we all needed. And your joy with this gift--this life we all love so much--well, your joy reminds me every day just how beautiful your little sister is. You set the pace, Babe. You blaze the trail of love, and how easy it is to follow you.
I will never ever forget this third year of your life. How through most of it, you held my hand. You brought me tissue and towels in the bathroom when I had morning sickness. How you rubbed my growing belly with your puppy blanket. How you felt her kick and counted down the days with me for her arrival.
It was such a special year, Lainey, because you are a special girl.
You are my compassionate one, my spirited one, my independent one who likes to find her own way. You are witty and silly, caring and kind. You are my sunny little willow and every dream I ever had my entire life about the little girl I wanted someday just can't compare with the greatness you turned out to be.
Watching you grow is an art. An art I am master of and I will forever study the wonder that is you.
God gave me two beautiful, amazing girls and you, my first born...why, I know you were hand picked for us, for Nella, for your brothers, for the world. For you are going to do great things, Little One.
Thank you for loving so good, so big, so pure.
I didn't think I could ever love so deep.
You are Heaven, you little Three Year Old.
We love you so.
Happy Birthday, Cubby.
Tuesday, May 18, 2010