Tuesday, March 31, 2009

still dancin'

anyone who says sunshine brings happiness has never danced in the rain.

we danced today...and the rain is behind us.

dancing makes everything better. everything.

thank you for the sweet outpouring of emails and comments.
our hearts are happy.

your living room rug is begging to be a dance floor tonight. c'mon. do it. and for some dancin' tunes, may i suggest this one. or this one. or this one. or anything from this cd.

but just dance.

(oh, this one's my very fave)

thank you, heidi, for snappin' these pics.

xoxo. enjoying the your-butt-is-beggin'-you-to-shake-it things. ~k

Monday, March 30, 2009

real life

this will be a long post.

and, i'm not sure what i'm going to say, but i do know this.
...that writing has always been my "out"...to sort out the beautiful, the confusing, the challenging, and all the love in life...and to fold it into sweet little words to somehow create something bigger. something better.
and i write publicly because this beautiful blog forum has given me so much joy in more ways than one. our new generation can be overly public, yes. still not sure what i think of facebook, in fact. but, i have come to the realization that, at least in blogworld, it is entirely empowering to come together with other women and to dig deeper into what is real in life. i want to inspire and i want to be inspired. what all women want, i suppose. and what all women do. and i feel i have done both more with this blog...and that propels me forward in ways i didn't know i was capable of. so, i am choosing to do this publicly this time. end of disclaimer. whew. okay.

what i'm about to write is very real. and raw. and i know so many women have gone through it. and it's part of my story...to pass on to lainey and my family and friends. and telling it is leaping off a cliff...pulling my legs up into a perfect canonball...and splashing into cold blue waters below.

so catch me.

on march 9, after quite a bit of anticipating...i jumped around the kitchen sobbing and screaming holding a pregnancy test with two pink lines. two. after eleven and a half boxes of pregnancy tests over the previous months and all the imaginary second lines i had conjured up in my brain, i finally saw a real one. and it was beautiful...and exciting...and promising of an another amazing happiness i am already blessed to know so well.

i videotaped brett finding out. i called my sister, crying. i layed in bed that night dreaming of cute little ways to tell our friends and family. and that we did. revealing lainey's little yellow t-shirt i tediosuly painted "soon-to-be-a-big-sister" on, followed by happy shrieks. and hugs. writing in a birthday card to brett's dad that his present would be placed in his arms this november. and crying watching him smile.

late november...i always wanted a holiday baby, and this was gunna be just as dreamy as i imagined it to be, isn't it?

even after the first ultrasound when we were told it's okay...you're just not measuring as far as you think you are...but there's the little bean right there. ...brett assured me everything was just fine. and so did everyone else. i was tired. and i loved being tired. coffee made me qeasy. and i loved that coffee made me queasy.

...but i think deep down, i knew.

this weekend, we lost our pregnancy.

and yes...warm tears spill as i write that.

...but strangely, i feel peace.

friday morning, i prayed not that God would save "the baby" because i knew what's done is done, and if there was "no baby" to save, God would not suddenly create one. so i simply prayed for peace this weekend...and that we would get through this.

and i feel this amazing sense of accomplishment. like i have completed a strange but honorable rite of passage through a challenging door of womanhood & motherhood that not everyone has to go through. and i did it. and it's okay.

i am strengthened by the fact that i am not the only one this has happened to...and this is very do-able compared to many other challenges in life. i am strengthened by the fact that it happened early, and i did not have to feel kicks and leaps and lose not only the dream of this baby but the unspeakable bond heightened with feeling them move within me. i am strengthened by the fact that i felt so completely loved this weekend and that every text you sent...every e-mail...every phone call...every hug...every thought and prayer...you were blanketing us with comfort.

and i am proud of myself. because i am not devastated. i am sad, yes. but i am happy for my blessings, the promising future of more babies...and the incredible weekend i had loving my life.
my neighbors and friends were complete Godsends...and i found myself dancing in my living room to madonna yesterday. yes, dancing. dancing like a crazy woman...and laughing until tears rolled down my cheeks. and it felt so good.

this is what women do. we have amazing bodies that create babies from microscopic cells. and when everything isn't just right, our bodies take over and do what they know to do. i am marveled by my wonderful body. that it has the cognitive awareness to know that little bean wasn't just right to grow...and the clockwork capabilities to take care of it...to heal my body and make it perfect again.

and yes, it sucks. it sucks standing in line at the grocery store holding a stayfree bag when a month earlier, i was in that same line holding the box of pregnancy tests that would turn all pink and make me cry. it sucks going in to lainey's second year scrapbook and erasing all that stuff i wrote about her being a big sister this november. or folding up her big sister shirt and hoping it still fits when she can wear it again. it sucks to lose half your body weight in blood or to have to leave baby gap embarassingly pulling your shirt down behind you because you were stupid enough to wear white jeans when you're having a miscarriage. it sucks...but it's real. this is what women do.

but all that aside...we are doing so beautifully. and i'm searching for the devastation i thought i would feel but i can't find it. sadness, yes. devastation, no. this weekend really has been amazing. perhaps because my senses are so much more enlightened. ...i was so open for what the universe had to throw my way...and i was given love...that and life in its grandest form.

and if lainey doesn't have therapy written all over her, i don't know what does. my little cubby seemed to know what her mama needed this weekend...and, i swear, i've never seen her more cuddly, more loving or more at peace to just sit on my lap with her blanket...to sit and...just be. so, thank you, cubsy.

and i may not be holding a baby this christmas, but i hope to be a house carrying one.

and to any woman out there who has ever wanted a baby...whether your dreams came true or not. whether you wanted just one. or just one more.... there is something to be said about the animalistic primal need to love a little. to want one in your arms so bad, it hurts. it is so very real. ...and even though i have one already, there is this instinctual love that already exists for this next one that i want to hold. that want and need to love and nurture...it's real, you know.

i feel blessed today. and yes...kissing the universe, the stars, the planets and all the beautiful space between. because this? ...this is what women do.

...enjoying the real life things. ~k

and dot...please pass on to jody...you both have been wonderful. love you and your office. only wish jody could deliver all my babies. xoxo

Sunday, March 29, 2009

little gills

so our skin is officially pruned out this weekend. perhaps, spent more time in the water than out, in fact.
and that's the nice thing about living in florida. whether it's the healing, salty waves of the gulf or the refreshing chlorinated waters of our many-pooled little city...we love developing our gills as much as we want to at any given day of the year.

and we began our underwater adventures early saturday morning upon an invite from our beloved neighbor-slash-borrowed grandma/mama kathleen to join her at her club, the dunes, for a cup of coffee by the prettier-than-usual waterfalled slice-of-heaven pool.

and we talked about life and kids and love while lainey waded with her little permagrin, frequently stopping to sweetly convince miss kathleen to take her out for a jump and a wheeeee swing back and forth.

and five minutes fresh of our arrival back home, we found ourselves in our neighbor's practically-a-hot-tub pool for an impromptu afternoon pool party where we eavesdropped on a really bad d.j. from a house party across the lake and watched, amazed...as our little gills-ey kinda sorta learned to swim. with a tube, of course, but still...her need to tightly grip has disappeared...and in its place is a jumper. a close-your-eyes-and dunk-er. a happy-faced pop-back-up-per. oh, and a kick-your-legs-and swim-mer!

watch! (oh pooh....embed never works for me...so sorry...you have to click it to see it)


see...we swim! and our summer goal is to lose the tube and do the same.

lovin' our water...

so much, even when we're out of it...we find a way to get back in:

...enjoying the h2o-ed things. ~k

oh...and just for good measure. look. her first widdle pony-tail. and she was proud of it.

(p.s. dig...i took the liberty of "borrowing" your song. 'cuz i knew you gots my back).

Thursday, March 26, 2009

the terrible horrible no good very bad day

we read my old classroom copy of this before bed tonight.
because it was exactly that.

it started with a fever last night. some clinging. delirious babbling.
and moved on to a doctor appointment where, after a two-year no-antibiotic stretch, this entered our home thanks to a double ear infection:

but two hours after her first little dose, her body totally rashed out. so, after a little benadryl, we quit taking it and will figure it out tomorrow.

i've had a massive, massive headache all day.
and then, right when things were just terrible and horrible, they went to no good and very bad when binks tripped and fell with daddy outside. heard the scream from inside the kitchen...went running...and found a sad, scraped-up girl in daddy's arms.

we bactine-ed it, swabbed it, wiped it, dried it, kissed it, and hello kitty band-aided it.

oh, my poor girl is sick. and boo-booed.

but even so...she still smiles behind her pacifier...

and i am dabbling in the beautiful art of babying a sickie. because it is an an art and my parents were profoundly proficient at it.

so, i put her to sleep in the sling tonight on a neighborhood walk...and as her long legs dangled out from the taut fabric held close to my chest and the sky slowly darkened, i thought to myself that this is not at all a terrible horrible no good very bad day. because being sick is part of the ebb and flow of our very good life. and, although draining, straining, and waning...it allows us those few and far between moments when we are forced to enjoy a full day of quiet and clinging...a warm body glued to my chest the entire night through...a head on my shoulder prolonged past the usual quick hug...and the sweet breathy whisper of a sweet, sick girl who needs extra love.

xoxo, my sweet little sickies. ~k/mama

Tuesday, March 24, 2009

i'll take 'notta-lotta-words-but-lotsa-pics' for $400, alex

i do realize that these days are some of the sweetest in my life...
...and that, although i see so much good in our future...
...i will always dream back to days of being home with her every day and watching this life evolve before me.

she is still a baby to me. and yet this amazing little girl at the same time.

this is week two of this awful little cold she's had and despite the fact that her eyes aren't quite as wide and vivid as they usually are and her nose is a perpetual faucet, she is still her funny, happy self going about her own little way doin' her own thing all day long.

...and enjoyin' the spring things that are gradually tricklin' into our ever welcoming arms this sweet march/almost-april...

and i'm eating up her bare feet and neighbors with kites and prickly little mushrooms we find in the yard and the fresh squeezed lemonade i've made now twice in two weeks. and the gardenias blooming in our front yard that put off this perfumery thing for a 1/2 mile radius.

my spring baby. she was born in the spring for a reason...

(oh, poor little babe has decongestant eyes!)

we have a calm week ahead of us...
...and i know it's going to be grand.

...and that's all i have to say tonight.

Sunday, March 22, 2009

why hello there, chocolate fabulousness.

if necessity is the mother of ingenuity, then crap economy must certainly be the father of a little at-home-makeover-brilliance.

enter exhibit a:

if clairol had to creatively name the color, it would be something along the lines of burnt marshmallow. or maybe just fugly.

the great divide: where orange hair meets black roots.

and my wallet would like to keep the 120 dollars it would take to fix this mess, thank you.

but it ain't over.
because i never turned away a little hair challenge. and about once a year, i feel this inner yearning to drastically change my poor little strands.

and today was just the day.

...all for $4.99, baby.

(look closely...color of the stars, it says. andie macdowell. you can't go wrong with andie macdowell.)

gloved up...it's official.

...set timer for 25 minutes allowing just enough time to do a quick mama/baby pedi...

...and then...

here it comes...

rich, chocolate i-so-love-it fabulousness.

bwah ha ha ha. not smiling for self portraitry is not easy. i would ruin fashion shows.

oh, if my hair was a beater, i would so lick it.

all for five dollars.

my head is happy.

...enjoying the transformations-are-so-much-fun things. ~k

f.y.i.: listening to this song while running = crazy endurance and speed. add it to your ipod.

Saturday, March 21, 2009

the way he loves her

i love this man and how he loves her. very, very much.

i love how he calls her binks and she calls him gaga.

and i love waking up in the morning and finding her completely burrowed into the crook of his neck like two connected little souls. no, not like. they are two connected little souls.

any more attempt at words would cheapen the magic that is...them.
except that...oh how i love how they love each other. ~k

Wednesday, March 18, 2009

like ridin' a bike...only better.

i bought her stickers yesterday. i was turning the last corner in the grocery store with a cart piled in the most unorganized fashion possible with cereal boxes and tuna cans, and then eggs and bread on the bottom, of course. and i was tired and ready to go home, but i saw these sparkly stickers in the dollar bin on that last turn...and i knew they'd make her happy. so i added them to the cart and finished my shopping. and i was halfway through the parking lot before my excitement got the better of me...so i steered the cart with one hand while i tore the plastic off the stickers with the other so that by the time she was buckled in her carseat, her willowy legs were covered with sparkly stickers, and her spaced-out little teeth smiled in thanks.

and then for one split second, i did this thing i hate. i analyzed it...overthought it. am i spoiling her? am i teaching her that she gets something every time she goes to the store? do i buy her too much?

and then i smacked myself out of it...because there is nothing that sucks the joy out of motherhood--the inate ability to love and rear this child from the God-given instinct that dwells deep in my bones--than overthinking. overanalyzing. because in these (almost) two short years of blessed parenthood, i have gained this real, amazing confidence in just loving and mothering without thinking about it. it's like riding a bike. you don't read directions on it. you don't read a book about it. and when you hop on that bike, you don't recite left, right, pedal, balance, steer. you just do it. and the more you don't think about it, the better you are at it. and soon, you're ridin' fast...and with flair. like pastel handlebar streamers whippin' in the wind and spoke beads humming their rhythmic beat with each seamless rotation of the wheel.

i trust my instincts because they're good and hearty instincts. i will not worry about spoiling her because i know i won't. i'm not that mom. i am, however, the mom who is governed by passion. and love. and free-spiritedness and spontaneity. and the beautiful principle of....just be. i have no rules.

(oh, hello little magic dimple who came out to play!)

moms are frequently asked the old "what's your views on _______?" question. like nursing. and daycare. and discipline. and family bed.
and here's the thing. i don't have views on much other than what i do this very day with our little cubs. 'cuz i'm just ridin' my bike...and my hair's flowin' and the spoke beads are snappin' away, and if i stop for one minute to think about what i think (if that makes any sense...), i might fall off my bike.

and when i look back, i see this beautiful path we've pedaled through. and it's good. and seamless. and, miraculously, might i even say...consistent. and it happened on its own.

there will be times we realize there may have been a better way. and there will be times we don't buy the stickers...

...but yesterday...that little pack of stickers not only made an almost-two-year-old completely consumed with delight...but it made a mama insanely happy too. just pure satisfaction.

sure we want to give her the world...but it's not ours to give. so we will find bits and pieces of it to share with her. and we will do it spontaneously. passionately. and with flair.

loving her, leading her, teaching her...it's all so easy. and so much fun. and the more i don't think about it all...the more fabulous it becomes.

just be. and love. ...and...buy some stickers.

...enjoying the living-with-flair things. ~k