Friday, July 24, 2009

love.

i sit here at a blank screen amid a quiet house trying to gather some worthy collection of words to express as much of a wrung-out heart my worn-out body can muster. and all i have are tears.
and a title. a title with an all-consuming force that has embraced our family once again. i am humbled and amazed at this little word...love. and i am beginning to think i have some sort of hyper-sensitive love-receptive genes--perhaps the "goodness glands" my grandpa used to hold us down and tickle us to find...until he landed on our knees where he would squeeze. "there they are," he'd say..."your goodness glands." and i really believed we were special. because we had 'em.

oh, i love love. and when i find it lavishly bestowed on us, i am awed at how we are so blessed when so many in the world are searching for it. and i am honored...honored and consumed with gratitude in the form of cryderman sappiness, excessive wordiness, and this blogtastic over-the-top need to proclaim...thank you.

i've been alone with lainey this week as brett is out of town on business. and we were enjoying a normal week anticipating his arrival home until early thursday morning.

i woke up at two a.m. to wet sheets. my pajamas were soaked. and after a bit of confusion and telling myself that thirty-year-olds don't exactly wet their beds, i got up and headed to the bathroom.

to find blood. blood on me. blood all over the floor. and a flashback to the day our last pregnancy ended. in the dim glow of the night-light, i fell to the floor and cried. cried like i never have before and begged God to not let this be happening. i fumbled for my phone and shook as i dialed as many numbers as i could. i couldn't get ahold of brett. or my sister. of anyone i randomly dialed. until my friend carie calmly answered and assured me she'd be there in minutes to take me to the hospital.

and she was. joined by laura who kissed my sleeping baby in her arms for almost four hours in an uncomfortable waiting room chair while carie and i waited in a little room behind a light blue curtain for a litle hope that i almost lost.

at 4:30, an ultrasound tech arrived to wheel my bed down long, empty corridors to a dark room where he closed the door and put warm jelly on my stomach. he turned the screen so i couldn't see. i cried. "can you just tell me if there's a heartbeat? can you please tell me if the baby's okay?" i asked. and he apoligized and said he can't tell me anything. that i'd have to wait for the doctor to read it. i cried some more.

and in the dark, he glided his wand across my stomach with a stoic face.

until he stopped for a moment and said...i can't tell you anything but...
and then he turned the screen and smiled.
he didn't have to say a word.
there...on the screen...was a baby. a baby who moved and danced...and an unmistakable little beating heart.
and that, my friends, was a beautiful moment.

and a terrifying beginning to a day that magically metamorphosized into this incredible, beautiful memory.

released on bedrest and instructions to see my doctor the next day to find out what was going on, i returned home in the morning to be pampered and embraced by one of the biggest outpourings of love i've ever experienced. within an hour, my house was filled. with jammy-wearin' friends who hugged me and cried and laughed and yelled in unison for me get back down! when i even suggested i was going to stand up for a moment.

they cried with me. they hugged me. they took care of my little. they found out my favorite vegetable beef soup recipe, went to the store and came home with bags of ingredients that they chopped and simmered in my kitchen while they laughed and sipped wine, told stories, chased littles and reminded me of the joy that follows sadness. they brought lunch and smoothies and piles of movies. they cleaned my kitchen and folded my laundry, changed my sheets and scrubbed my bathroom. they had me in fits of laughter while i laid on my bed watching them organize piles in my closet against my will. they called me from michigan to tell me they bought a ticket to come down and be with me. they canceled their plans, drove from fort lauderdale and arrived at my door after months of missing them to surprise me. they rubbed my belly and said things like i love you, little baby. they told me i needed deodorant and searched the bathrooms to find some (oh, wylie...you know i love you and your blessed honesty). they kissed my hand over and over when i was shaking and crying and thought it was over and revealed hilarious embarrassing stories to make me laugh when i thought i couldn't. they called me and texted me, asking to help...they prayed and sent reminders that they were praying and loving. they listened and researched and promised it would be okay. they heard me say "i wish i could have a martini" and showed up two seconds later with a grapefruit mocktail in the perfect martini glass.

there are a trillion little things i could write. how we have been so blessed to know and be part of so many loving people's lives, i'll never know. but, man do our people know how to love. and all i could do yesterday was humbly accept it. it felt like christmas. and my house was full of nothing but the sounds of love...where tears and darkness had been just a few hours earlier. it was completely transformed by the power of a little word.

oh, love.

i was not alone last night. i closed my eyes to the sound of happiness and family and friends...and love. and i didn't ask for any of it. they came by the droves to deliver this amazing gift.

are we getting blogtastic and sappy and wordy enough yet? because i can step it up a notch.

oh, and our baby?
no more fears...
our appoinment this morning shows a perfect baby, a normal pregnancy and no need to be afraid. apparently, it was a chorionic bleed...but all is okay now.

say hello to the little stinker who scared their mama...



i am in love and awed by love all at once.
and reminded once again that there is a reason for everything and that things always sort themselves out to reveal beauty. and yes, bad things happen to good people and good things happen to bad people and the outcome is not always as beautiful as this incredible couple of days, but there is always love in the end.

thank you to every soul that has been a part of these last two days...every soul that has expressed love in some way.

we are grateful and blessed and humbly left with this incredible gratitude for your love.

so, thank you.

48 comments:

Roberta said...

. . .and now you made me cry. . remember when you thought you would never make friends in Florida! You are sooooo blessed and Poppa is happy today and so am I. Please, please, please take it easy and relax. Love and miss you, Roberta

Heidi Lee said...

I so wish I could have been there to have helped. But I prayed. And I pray for you every morning on my run..for you and your new sweetie that is growing inside you.

It must be a Cryderman thing, as I had a chorionic bleed too! I couldn't believe it when your dad sent a note updating us. Lots of rest for me too, no lifting more then a gallon of milk, no exercise..nothing. But worth it because Darby came perfectly fine! So rest up, and enjoy those wonderful friends of yours who are taking such great care of you and your family. Yeah to great friends. You lucky lady!
Love you!

Rayna said...

We only did what comes naturally because our friendships are like family. Alan and I had added you and Baby H to our nightly prayers and with all of the other prayers...they were answered. We all love you and couldn't be happier. Love You!

Joan said...

love love love to you!

dig this chick said...

all those kisses to the universe worked. xo

Anonymous said...

God bless your tiny little baby and we all can't wait to "meet" her (yes, that's anonymous's guess).

Gillian said...

dang girl, that's a heck of a story.

thank goodness for beautiful endings.

jen said...

*wiping away tears*
oh darling. what a scare. so glad that you have oodles of friends and loved ones to jump in and help out.
it should be amazing that one person could have that many beautiful friendships ... but it isn't in your case. you deserve each and every one of them. you've proven that. (and i only know you through the blog!)

The Manrings said...

oh so glad everything worked out ok.....more than ok. all of our positive thoughts and prayers helped turn things around. last night was fun being together. i feel happy to be able to come over and help out. watching our friendship grow makes me smile! kisses to that healthy growing baby in your belly and to the big sis too. ps. don't forget the frozen blueberries in your freezer!!

Tammy B said...

kelle. Don't know what to say. I was so scared when I read about the blood, thinking "oh no, not again - this couldn't be happening to her again" and then smiling with tears in my eyes when he turned the screen to you to see your precious new little. I'm so, so relieved to hear about your happy ending. And to hear of your awesome friends. Wishing you lots of calm and rest.

Amy said...

You really needed to start this with a disclaimer, because I was so worried until I saw the ultrasound that everything was fine (better than fine...). Get plenty of rest and keep my little niece/nephew safe and cozy : )

Brit Girl said...

Oh Kelle, so sorry you had such a scare. And so, so relieved that all is OK. You clearly have tremendous friends, so glad you are wrapped up in love over there. Sending love and hugs from across the pond. Sx

Belle Brocante said...

...I am sitting here, as I do every evening, and ponder the day, miss my babies...even though they are really young adults...they will always be my babies. I open up your blog (Roberta sent the link to me a while ago), and as usual, I am in total awe of not just the incredible beauty of the photography, but even more so of the writing. Every day, I look forward to reading your beautiful words and seeing photos that do nothing less than inspire me. Today, you brought me to tears...but I am so happy that your precious little one is still healthy, safe and sound in mommy's tummy. Be well, Kelle and baby and know that even far away we treasure you. love, Sandy Smith

Wilde said...

Ahh, the best days are with friends, family, love, and tears of joy. So glad for the good news at the end of this message! :o)

April said...

oh, how i LOVE happy endings! i might have a stomachache after reading this post, but that's okay ... of course, it's nothing compared to what you've been through!!!

wishing you the best,
april

JMH said...

I almost stopped ready any further when i saw the word blood, i was too afraid to look.

even though you dont know me and I you, i found your blog randomly through a mutual blogger (Kelly H), I needed to know that you and that wee bubba were okay. Thankfully, you are. You are so lucky to have so many friends. I moved from my homeland australia to be with my love and have yet to find that kind of friendship that I so sadly left behind.
How scared you must have been for your baby......
Hugs Justine

Poppa said...

One little segment in that night too long was the call a loving Poppa in Michigan did receive...at 2:30 in the morning to hear a sobbing voice wail, "I'm bleeding..." and I never felt so far from any one I love. I cried for MY BABY...and wishing I could carry her to the hospital, hold her little baby, wash sheets and speak softly in the storm...and then I heard Carrie's voice arriving and whispered "Thank you Jesus for Angels in the Night." I spent the next hours praying for a tiny, kicking, wiggly wee one I am so eager to meet. And subsequent calls brought little glimmers and finally a strong light of hope. I am so grateful for this miracle and for friends that rush in. Oh to have such friends. Oh to be such a friend. I love you!

Malu said...

I am here to say that you are really blessed by God , you can easily express your yourself, you have love all aroud you, but more important is that you cam share it. We feel your love by the words you write. God bless you, protect you and your family ever.
I am sure that you make this world a better place.

Bernie* said...

Praise God!
Your dad told me what happened. My heart raced as he unfolded what happened.
You might not know this, but I read your blog every day. I have to admit I am disappointed when there is nothing new - especially when several days elapse.
Because you know....It is all about me. :-)
Just kidding.....
My prayers and thoughts are with you.
I love you, Kelle.
Be surrounded by God's love....and all the people that are in your world.

mrc-w said...

SOOOO glad things turned out okay and that Baby Hampton is doing fine! xo :)

JILL said...

Yes, this post brought tears to my eyes and chills...because of His abounding Grace and Faithfulness. And for your miracle that we are continuously praying for. May your little continue to grow strong and may you have the patience to Be Still :) Thinking of you often - Jill G

Marsha Colbert said...

I am so happy to hear that you and baby are doing okay. And if your post wasn't tearful enough, reading what your dad just wrote made me tear up even more. Love you Kel. If you ever need ANYTHING you can call on me too!

Kelle said...

I'm sitting here on the couch rereading all these comments completely in tears. Comments from friends, family, strangers I have come to know, hearts I have been blessed to discover through taking their pictures, old friends I didn't know read this...seriously, all of you really do bless my life. And I can't tell you enough how much your comments meant to me. Thank you.

Stephanie said...

OH Kelle, I am reading this post from WI! I was completely sick to my stomach, lump in throat! What a horrible scare, I am SO SORRY you had to go through that! BUT, I am so glad you had the girls with you to be there for you & LL! I AM SOOOOO happy that 'lil doodlebug is PERFECTLY healthy! What a 'lil cutie!

We are in WI until the 30th of July. I will call you before then, I want you to know that I will be more than HAPPY to do anything for you...that includes; laundry, grocery shopping, cleaning, playing w/Lainey! WHATEVER you need just please let me know! xoxo

Tisha said...

oh i am so sorry you had to go through that (and poor brett being so far away!), but so glad, happy, ecstatic that Baby H and you are doing so healthily and that have such great friends, that you've found such loving friends in florida. i'm sorry i've been in the boonies (at wayne's river) since thursday. I love you both!!! will be praying for you and "super baby H"!

Kulio said...

I felt this huge, unison of quietude and calm descend among the Cryders when your dad wrote of the nighttime scare, and I felt comforted to be a part of the chorus of sincere, heartfelt prayers rising up from us. I felt like I was in church.

You give that to us, Kelle, not because you have any more need of prayers than the rest of us, but because you say aloud, "I need you."

I think that's why you are surrounded by so much love -- because you let us in.

peace and love and so much happiness to you!!!

TRB Holt said...

Nothing better than a early morning cry of happiness....Kelle, I am so glad that you and your wee bug are fine.

xo, Bug's Gram

Lena said...

Oh Kelle - I got goose bumps when I was reading this post! So happy that you and the baby are OK and it was so wonderful to hear about the outpouring of love for you!

Lena

Heidi said...

kelle, these words can not even begin to express the sadness, pain, and worry that i heard in your voice that day.

and...today all of that is gone and we are beaming and celebrating the little thriving & dancing bean in your belly.

overwhelming happiness, relief, and love for you and your little miracle baby. love you so much!

wylie said...

love you hampton! you did stink, I say it like it is :) That baby is a lucky one, so much love before its even born!

Steph C said...

Love you girl and so happy all is ok. Baby Hampton is a fighter:) He/she felt the love and this baby is perfect. You deserved all the love.

Sarah W said...

I know we don't really know each other, but I FEEL like I know you through reading your posts...so I just wanted to tell you that I am happy you and your little love are OK. You'll be in my thoughts.

Sarah Wayne

Melissa said...

Glad to know all is well, you are loved,supported and held by your community, and that both of your littles are safe and sound.

Leah said...

Kelle I haven't been to blogland in forever but Sarah told me today about your situation. My heart stopped when she started to tell the story... she saw my face and immediately skipped to the end and told me everything is ok. Thank goodness Kelle. I am thinking of you Mama. I'm so glad LOVE is all around you. Continue to feel better.

Nicole said...

Dear Lord! So so happy you and your little #2 are doing well. FYI, I am completely and totally sucked in and inspired by your blog. Thank you so much for leaving me that link the day you bought lainey's bonnet!!

With hugs,

Nicole

http://whatisbetterthanthis.blogspot.com/

Life with Kaishon said...

I should not have clicked this because now I am at work and I am crying and crying and crying.

I am so thankful for the love that you have.

Lucy said...

So sorry for that scare but what a good outcome, that all the love you have around you gathers to protect you, and everything is ok too. It tells readers like me, who haven't met you, a lot about your family and friends, but also about you - you are a part of a loving family and I'll bet you give so much back to them, and you must be a very open, inspiring, deep and loyal friend, to have such people as your friends in your life.

What is so lovely now is to look back and see, saving the day, little Nella in there - she was holding on own all along. It is SO cute to see these ultrasounds when you've met the little ones that came out, and think - yes, that was you in there.

My nieces who are identical twins have all kinds of crazy stories about how they kept each other company in the womb. And that when they were born one was a bit scared so the other popped out first then turned round and said ''its alright, you can come out now!''.

FEAS613 said...
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FEAS613 said...
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FEAS613 said...

Kelle~
I don't know if you ever check your old posts for new comments - but comment I will just the same!

I happened upon your blog back in March in an article on parentdish. The description of your blog reminded me of myself - writing (I write as though my life depends on it - whether it's a journal entry, a blog post, a song, poem or pages in one of my eight novels), photography, kids and Naples (which at that point had just been a part of my life for five months). I clicked on it never expecting to become enticed by your blog; by your words, your pictures and your family. The world could use a few more Hampton families in it, enjoying the small things - heading to beaches where time stands still or at least slows down and throwing extravagant parties for their little ones. The world would be a better place if everyone just had an ounce of the compassion that you have for life and the people in your life.

Sleepless nights have kind of become my norm recently. And when my eyes won't shut and my mind won't stop, I turn my laptop back on and read your blog.

I could only imagine how terrifying almost losing your baby was. Your friends and family sound like outstanding people willing to put their lives on the back burner so last minute to help you to such great extents in a time of need. You are truly blessed!! You have taken some phenomenal pictures of Ms. Nella Bean since she graced this world with her presence but I must say (with no offense of course) that the ultra-sound picture at the end of this post is my favorite. It confirmed that she was still there. And inside that picture she holds her secret... her magic. The magic that changed the story of the Hampton's forever and now thousands of other people's lives as well with great thanks to her Mama and "Enjoying the Small Things".

I will soon be relocating to Naples to be a nanny for a two year old little girl. I'm terrified to start over somewhere new with nobody but your story inspires me - gives me hope and faith. Seeing how you moved and met such wonderful people is comforting to me.

Thank you for helping me to enjoy the small things (like sleepless nights spent reading inspiring, heart-warming blogs)!
Sweet dreams Hampton family! Have fun at your Isle of Capri tomorrow!
~Beth

Kacey Haffner-Bruce said...

your friends are rockstars!

Fiona said...

How wonderful it is to read this post and know that Nella is now safely in the world.
:)

Jenna said...

I was just thinking how crazy it is to read a post you wrote 6 months before Nella was born... and now here she is, just as loved, perfect and cute as predicted. So glad I found your blog Kelle. You're a true beauty

The Fat Vegetarian said...

My heart is bleeding out for you right now despite of the fact that I know a beautiful little life comes from this terrific scare. You are an amazing woman and so brave to share your valleys as well as the peaks.

Lisa said...

I found this post today as I am looking online for informaron about chorionic bleeds. I am experiencing one right now and I am terrified! I am glad to read from your more recent posts that all cleared up for you and I can only hope for the same outcome. And I will continue reading your beautiful writing! I see that we are due weeks apart (me Jan.26/13) and I will journey along with you and your incredibly beautiful outlook, family, and photos. Thank you for writing about this issue so that someone in the midst of the struggle has somewhere to look. Thank you Kelle!

Cr@nkyP@nd@ said...

Wow!!! My husband and I experienced the same EXACT scenario. After the loss of our first pregnancy, I woke up the morning of my birthday exactly how you described it. I will never forget that day, the doctors initial scan detected no heartbeat before sending me for surgery we requested a second ultrasound. The technician turned the screen, saying "this is a moment in time, things can always change! This is you're little ones heartbeat" - the little flicker!!! We gave birth to our son on his due date :)

Life is amazing! Thank you for sharing your inspiration and joie de vie!

amanda rose said...

i couldnt even imagine. i cried and cried just reading this blog entry. im both humbly relived and so touched by this story. it was powerful and struck a note of thankfulness and blessings. this world is unpredictable and when love is present anything can happen.

im so happy things are well with you and youre little baby.

thank you for sharing this.

Zane Wooder said...

It's funny when people tickle you and you say please stop but your laughing.

zane