Saturday, January 24, 2009

twenty one months later: {a birth story}

i wrote my birth story last night. i have been meaning to attach words to the unearthly beautiful experience for quite some time now and, with a little prompting (thank you, nici), i finally sat down and did it. this is an account for a friend, so the second person narrative refers to sweet nici who happens to have stolen my heart with her own birth story.

it's not her birthday nor any special occasion but, nevertheless...it needed to be done and last night seemed a proper night to do it.

this song played during her birth, and i never listen to it because it's too special and i never want the crazy effect it has on my heart to wear off. so, i save it for her birthday...and when i really want to go back to that day. but, i'll let it slip in just this once.

with no further ado...my response on the invitation to tell the story of one's birth, 21 months later:

Whew.
Okay.
Lainey's asleep, Brett's watching a movie, and I am in my corner with the computer, a beer, and the looming greatness of putting something beautiful into words. I've put it into pictures...and pieced it together with music, but words? hard to do.

The day after my wedding, someone told me to go buy a journal and write everything I could possibly remember that day so that I didn't forget...because she promised me, if I didn't, that I would indeed forget. Best advice. Before we left for our honeymoon, I bought a red-velvet covered blank book and I did nothing else on our five-hour flight but scribble, scribble, scribble. Every thought. Every sound. Every sight. Every scent. Every emotion. And I'm so glad I did...because I never want to forget that beautiful day, and without my little written memories, so much of it would be lost.

I wish I would have done the same with Lainey's birth. But we were just completely bombed with having to go back to the hospital so soon...and when we finally got home, I was so emotionally drained, I couldn't do it. And I've told myself so many times since that I really needed to go and write while I could remember...

And it is until now...that you, my friend, have held me accountable.
And my account now, 21 months after, is probably a bit different than what it would have been if I would have set to the task sooner...but nevertheless...I will tell you what I will remember. And being asked to tell one's birth story is, to me such a beautiful invitation. Nothing I'd rather talk about. ...but words are hard to find.

may be the beer...may be Eva Cassidy in the background...may be the raw emotion of wanting to be pregnant again...or the sheer beauty in these memories, but regardless...tears are already spilling. and it feels good.

I loved being pregnant. Every single moment. Was sick as a dog for 20 weeks and lost seven pounds my first three months but would do it again a trillion times over. I loved knowing, no matter where I was...that I wasn't alone...that it was me & someone else. I couldn't wait until my tummy got huge and round and what I wouldn't do....oh, for the love of all things holy, what i wouldn't do to feel her kick again. i loved being pregnant. i loved it, loved it, loved it. and the night before i knew i was going to have her...i cried because, despite the fact i was just sick with excitement to meet her, hold her, love her...i knew she wouldn't be a part of me physically anymore. that is the most beautiful thing that could ever happen to a human. ever. thank you, eve. i'm glad she ate that apple, you know? i'm so glad she ate it.

so...anyway. in the middle of all this pregnancy thing, i had the most wonderful, beautiful doctor ever. she's just good and kind and i never had to see anyone else but her...and i never worried about anything because i had no reason to. funny...since i've had lainey, many of my friends have been pregnant and they'll ask me, "did you have the triple marker test? were you nervous about the blood test at twenty weeks? did you...blah, blah, blah" and I seriously can't remember ever ever being nervous or scared or anxious. i just knew she was fine...and my doctor was a huge part of that. which is why i was induced because, she was leaving on vacation on a saturday for two weeks and the monday before she left, my ultrasound showed me ready to go...and i couldn't bear the fact of one of her colleagues--someone i had never met--being part of the most amazing event in my life. so, we decided together to choose my date.

i went in on a thursday night and when i close my eyes...i remember everything. i wore a dress and heels and the nurse who delivered lainey--who has become one of my closest friends since--still teases me about the way she went back to the nurses desk after she called my name and rolled her eyes and told them to check out the girl who wore a dress to deliver her baby.

i was assigned to room 10. and three months ago, i went up to the hospital again with my friend katie, who delivered lainey, to see everyone again...and they told me...room 10's open...why don't you go in there for old time's sake. ...and i did. and i stood in that dark room and shook. just cried and cried.

the story is long---beautiful, but long--and i will spare you every detail...in fact, the only way i can do this is gunna be stream-of-consciousness...so hang on, sistah....

i remember the look on brett's face and my fear of him being less excited because it wasn't his first baby being completely dissapated when i saw big, teary eyes and little-boy anticipation. this was, after all...his first girl.
i remember walking into the room and seeing the warming bed and being hit hard with the realization that this was the bed my baby--inside my body--would be lying in. and there was a folded receiving blanket and a little stretchy cotton hat lying there...and i remember saying out loud, "holy crap. that very hat is going to be on my baby's head." it was just so...real. and happening.

i remember, in the middle of a contraction, brett bringing me a little hospital bracelet he found that said, "Hampton, Baby" and crying when I saw it...and staring at the handwritten name--my baby's name--while I writhed in pain.

i remember having my friends in the room and laughing and watching t.v. and thinking "this is so cool...like a party." i remember getting stadol and saying, as katie pushed it into my i.v., "will i feel this right away" and her answering, "yes" and then i said, "but i don't...." and then i smiled and melted.

i remember the stadol making me loopy and me telling everyone in the room that if they shaved off my eyebrows "make sure you save them for the kids to play with." okay, i don't remember saying that, but everyone else does, and they remind me weekly.

i remember feeling very, very in love with brett and feeling very blessed to have someone so loving. i remember loving the laid-back atmosphere and friends in the room and laughing and dozing while i listened to laughing and being surprised at how comfortable and normal this all was...and being very, very aware that through all of this laughter and talking and crying...there was this little background music of a little heartbeat.

i remember crying hard when they came in to check me...and pushing them away...and twisting in my bed, clawing the walls with them reaching up my throat. and one of the nurses saying something about my cervix being very "upturned" and that's why it hurt so bad and wanting to say "whatever, bitch" back...but i didn't.

i remember thinking i was dilated to ten when they told me i was one and a half. i remember getting the epidural and everyone laughing at me because they said i looked sultry and marilyn monroe-ish while i moaned through a contraction while they were shooting my back up with a needle.

i remember having to lie on my left side because "she doesn't like when you lie on your right"...and smiling that they talked about her as if she was already here....and had a personality...with likes and dislikes. i loved that she didn't like my right side.

i remember knowing it wouldn't happen for awhile and kelly staying with me so brett could go home and get some sleep. ...and sleeping in a dark room knowing i wasn't alone.

i remember brett arriving back early in the morning while i was still sleeping.

i remember wanting to hold her so bad. just wanting to hold her. and crying with the disappointment that it was still a ways away.

i remember telling brett i wanted katie back after she had to leave because her shift ended.

i remember, eleven and a half hours later when i was eight centimeters, katie returning...and brett saying, "katie's back...you'll have her now."

i remember katie telling me ten minutes later that i was a ten.

i remember crying hard. because this was really going to happen.

...oh, tears.

it was beautiful. perfect. kate bush's "this woman's work" played loud throughout the room. and i felt amazing. and i smiled and laughed and pushed. and right before she came out, my doctor looked at everyone and...i'll never forget...said, "don't take the baby...she wants to hold her" because i made it clear a couple days before i wanted her straight in my arms...as long as she was breathing...and i didn't want anyone taking her away from me.

and i saw her come out of me. a little human body came out of me. and she was pink and perfect and crying, and dr. jody handed her right to me. 6 pounds, eight ounces of pure joy. heaven. placed in my arms...and her eyes were open and she was crying and i pulled her pink body to my face and kissed it over and over...let my tears wash her face.



i remember saying, "happy birthday, happy birthday, i love you" over and over. and sobbing. just sobbing with joy. and i remember brett's face so close to mine i could feel the heat from it. and i forgot everyone else in the room existed...and it was the three of us. crying and smiling and laughing and kissing.



and, i swear, it seemed like it lasted an hour. she had big pink lips that pouted out like they were plumped with restylane. and they were friggin' beautiful. i remember thinking i must be dreaming because certainly, the happiness i felt was not humanly possible.

they let me hold her for so long and katie later told me that never, ever happens.

we drank her in...what seemed like forever, but it wasn't even an hour before all of our friends...seventeen to be exact, piled in the birthing room with us to welcome her. and i watched my friends hold her and just couldn't believe this was my baby in their arms. everyone told me before that i wouldn't want to give her up to anyone...but i was completely fine...overjoyed, in fact, watching these people i love hold her and love her too. someone snuck a bottle of champagne in and we poured it in dixie cups. and i remember, just an hour after she was born, my legs still numb, everyone holding their dixie cups up (oh...tears)...and hearing the chorus of voices say, "To Lainey Love"...as they tapped their little paper cups and i held this swaddling thing..our thing...in my arms.



it. was. beautiful.

i remember it was 11:45 at night when the last friends left and it was just me and brett and lainey. and being transferred to the wheelchair to be taken to a new, nicer room upstairs. and being handed my swaddling baby to hold in the chair while they wheeled me up. and just thinking that i had never, ever been more proud. i remember the quiet of the room with the three of us...and we whispered and snuggled in bed together. and about 1:00, i told brett to go home and get some sleep...because i knew he loves his bed and because i knew we would be fine, just us girls. and when he left, i remember thinking my heart would burst. just sitting there, holding her, looking at her knowing i got to be alone with her for the next several hours.



i don't know what else to say. it's just untouchable ground. pure, raw emotion.


...and it's a choppy ending...but it hasn't ended. it keeps going. for 21 months, i've felt that feeling. maybe not as new or raw, but there are days where it just hits me like...holy crap. she was in my body. squished up in my body swipin' her knee across my stomach, and she's out. she's right there, and she's mine. and i love her so very much.









...enjoying the it-was-time-to-get-it-out things. ~k

48 comments:

Heidi said...

TEARS.
TEARS.
TEARS.
lots of them flooding down my cheeks at the words, the emotion, the rawness, the music!
beautiful kelle!
loving lainey like she could be mine...even more tonight.

you will do this again.
love you.
xoxoxo

Katie your nice nurse. said...

So beautiful Kel. I love that this was the moment that started our friendship. What a place to begin. :) I love you. And by the way..I was NOT the bitch that told you, you had an upturned cervix. I dont even know what that is. Ha. Kisses to Lainey from me. Cant wait to see her. MUAHHHH

love, katie

TRB Holt said...

Kelle,

After reading Nici's latest post, seeing your name highlighted, I thought I would see what you are up to.

I read your birth story...what a beautiful story it is!

Cherish every day as a mother. I do. AND just wait until Laniey makes you a grandmother, you're gonna have love that you never knew you had!

Thank you for bringing happy tears to this Gram on a Sunday morning.

The Manrings said...

Beautiful Kelle...the tears are running down my face and I am so thankful to hear little Lainey's birth story. Now I am looking at the pictures from Samantha's birth and really crying. Ahhh....ok. Thanks for sharing. xo

Steph C said...

TEARS tears and more tears. so beautiful and so serearl for me. My story didn't go the same but it did this beauitful perfect little girl came from me and was the most amazing thing I have ever experienced...then,now and forever. And that love more love the humanly possible! Love this post! And it felt like a dream because i had dreamed of the moment my whole life!

Steph said...

WOW! TEARS, TEARS, TEARS! This is such a beautiful, amazing story! I was reading your lovely story, and wondering how my own story will unfold. I am filled with such anticipation,joy. love, excitement. As I read this, and am typing my comments baby Miller is kicking up a storm! I think he is diggin' the music! LOVE this post....thank you!

wylie said...

just like everyone else, totally sobbing over here! WOW Kelle, I know you have been told a million times that you have quite a way with words, but wowza.. do you have a way with words! I am glad you finally wrote it down, it makes me look at my little girl and want to write her story down.

dig this chick said...

well. It is good to read it again. So moving and beautiful.

My favorite parts:
i loved that she didn't like my right side. I remember the same feeling. When Margot was facing the wrong way and I thought I'd burst into pieces from the pain and my midwife said, she's stubborn and doesn't want to turn so we have to make her." Ah, stubborn. Like her mama.

i remember brett's face so close to mine i could feel the heat from it. We are so lucky to have such amazing men.

i'm glad she ate that apple, you know? ha! yes.

i remember katie telling me ten minutes later that i was a ten. i remember crying hard. because this was really going to happen. Oh boy I think every woman has that profoundly grounding moment. It is the very last moment of your life as you knew it.

xo--what I really want to say is this: love you and Lainey!

Kelle said...

a comment from nici: check.
i can go about my day.

smiling...your favorite parts are my same favorite parts.

and now we're just having a big 'ol blogger love affair on comments. laughing. don't break up with me 'cuz i so won't be able to get over you.

can't.
stop.
laughing.

love yous.

why is this is so funny?

dig this chick said...

guaa

Anna Ruth said...

How do you do it? You write the most beautiful things and I know it is all from your heart. I keep looking at Baylee's book and know that I need to write her letter to put in it. How do you write your heart on paper? She is my everything and words cannot express how I felt when she was born. Thank you for sharing her birth story. I need to go sit down and write that letter to Baylee.

amyc said...

Bravo!
I got nothin else.
You so totally rock!

Kelly said...

Holy shiv tears streaming down my face! So honored to be there on that miracle day!

Btw, what's the weather in Detroit?

Heidi said...

lol on kelly's comment!!!! was wanting the detroit weather report to be mentioned somehow!!!!

dig this chick said...

lylas

dig this chick said...

ttfn

Leah said...

Beautiful, Kelle.

Kelle said...

that made me seriously laugh out loud. is that a winnie-the-pooh shirt you're wearing?
the worst though...is "rulz". don't ever tread those waters, girl.

Barb said...

Ok....you know what kind of people have the ability to write like that? To make words and photographs into an emotion? To literally make people cry because they are so TOUCHED by YOU BABY and your TALENT?? FABULOUS ONES BABY!!!! FABULOUS ONES!! You are so dang inspiring, baby. You Rock my world.You really do. :)

Barb said...

Did you know that God dosent own a watch? That time is different in Heaven than here? At least I think so..I also think I'd remember 2 things..1)You have PLENTY. Thank him for it daily. 2) Lose your watch..the time will come

jen said...

wow.
i've really been wanting to write the story of my girls.
but haven't... because it wasn't a commemorative birthday or whatever.
but i guess you just have to do it at the right moment, huh? do you suggest beer or wine as an beverage of choice??
love that story. love the friends there until late. love the sending the husband home so that you two could be alone. i did the same thing. so awesome to be alone/together with my babies.

Tisha said...

i love reading birth stories. each one is so special. i'm so blessed to be a woman!

Trailing Mira said...

Thank you so much for writing about this! I really admire your ability to be so honest and real.... something I am working on :)

Kristi said...

I have been trying to read through your blog since first visiting and just wanted to let you know this is so beautiful! You have a way that touches people. :)
I stay up WAYYY too late reading you :)
xoxo
Kristi

Peacey said...

Look at the pic with Lainey in the box. She scribbled a lower-case 'n'...for Nella? Kind of freaky. :)

Leona said...

Oh, Kelle! That was, beautiful. I relive my 2 birth stories over and have wanted to have them captured in print for my babes to cherish forever. This has lit a fire under my butt!

I have the same feeling looking at my babes ( 3 1/2 and 15 months) that holly SH*T, they were inside of me. I grew them, carried them and nourished them felt their tiny hands and feet kick me....and now here they are. Out in this big world. It's like a piece of my heart is now out side of my body walking around in front of me! I remember look at my first, Abbie, when she was 2 days old, ans saying, she was still supposed to be inside of me. ( she was 1 week early ) and that wrapping my head around the fact that this person I am holding should still be in my body. PURE MAGIC girlfriend, pure freaking miraculous magic!

Gosh, you rock my world Kelle. You get me to stop, and remember these fellings, get me to take those family prtraits, get me to get my butt in gear ans write those damn birth stories down! Thanks babe!! Oh I wish I lived near you.....I know we'd be super fast pals!!

Leona~ Victoria, British Columbia Canada!

Leona said...

lol...appologies for the spelling and grammar!! typing w/ 1 hand while holding my 15 month old Jackson proved not too smart!!

;-)

Anonymous said...

Reads my reviews about male enhancement pills befor your buy male enhancement products that really works and effective to increase your health and better your life. thank you. you can reads this reviews at http://www.male-sexual.com - vimax pills - penis enlargement

Anonymous said...

I’m currently being held prisoner by the Russian mafia [url=http://www.buypenisenlargement.com]penis enlargement[/url] penis enlargement and being forced to post spam comments on blogs and forum! If you don’t approve this they will kill me. [url=http://www.male-sexual-styles.com]penis enlargement[/url] penis enlargement They’re coming back now. [url=http://vimax3-4.com]vimax[/url] vimax Please send help! nitip [url=http://www.male-sexual.com]penis enlargement[/url] penis enlargement

Annie said...

Thank you for sharing your birth story. I needed to read this today. I am days away from my due date and am flooded with every emotion in the world. Your story makes me feel so peaceful about birth. And, makes me even more excited to meet my sweet girl. I officially can't stop crying ;-)

gkey said...

dear Beautiful Story of Birth,

So special that you shared this with your readers!
I read your friends' story first and it was so sweet too.

Love,
Mama of 6, and the stories never get old
in
NE

fullsoulahead.com said...

This post came up in the pics at the bottom of your current post. I "met" you with your post of Nella's birth. This one is just as beautiful. You are an amazing mother. An artist at life.

What a priveledge to read your story. Thank you.

Hailey said...

I'm just now getting to read this. I also "met" you with Nella's story. This popped up at the bottom, and I'm so glad it did. Such a beautiful story. I do regret being able to hold my little Noah right away. He wasn't breathing well, and I didn't get to bond with him the way I wanted. (of course I'm glad they took care of him). I'll certainly be holding my baby next time around.
Thanks for sharing. :)

FitForAPrincess said...

Lol... more tears!
I've wanted to read Lainey's birth story since I read Nellas over a year ago! I hope you eventaully have another, because your birth stories are AMAZING.
I want to go write mine now. *sniffle*

MaggieMae said...

I also "met" you through Nella's birth story. Amazing how yin and yang these stories feel to me (though they probably didn't seem so for you at the time of their births). I've been writing my birth story for the boys (IDs w/ DS) and I know, reading yours that mine isn't done until I touch the core and feel all that emotion again. It ain't over until the fat lady cries. Thanks for sharing your life, your soul, your family!

Debbie B. said...

I've been reading your blog for a while and LOVE IT!! I randomly found this post today and loved every word of it. I can't wait to be a mother of my own one day!!

Stephanie said...

Truly beautiful! I remember feeling so many of those emotions myself just a short 5 months ago!

Amanda said...

My goodness, you have a beautiful way with words and describing your emotions. I've just read both your daughters birth stories, both are heart warmingly touching in their rawness and honesty.

One day I hope to be able to recount the birth of my twins in such a wonderful way, thank you for sharing.

Rebecca said...

So, whenever I get on my computer I always come to your blog (aside from reading and looking at your beautiful pictures) just so I can have your playlist playing in the background as I work on my work or play on the internet. Well, tonight as I scrolled down to click play I clicked on this post from the popular posts list and just wanted to share that I LOVE the last picture of Lainey and for a second thought it was Nella! :)Such sweet little ladies you are raising! I can't wait for the day when I am blessed to write my own children's birth stories.

Whitney Dupuis Photography said...

I guess I never really "got" birth stories until I had my son, 16 months ago. Wow. Now, I can't help but cry uncontrollably. Thank you for reminding me to focus on the details of the most important day of my life.

Lainey is beautiful. You are one lucky mama.

Loukia said...

This made me cry at work, big time. You're an amazing writer. And you have such beautiful children.

Renee said...

Absolutely beautiful! I'm sitting here crying my eyes out at work. You have such a way with words. I love your stories, they touch my heart. There really is no other feeling that rivals carrying a baby inside yourself and then bringing her into the world. It is by far the best experience in the world. Thank you for sharing yours with me.

Chelsie said...

I started reading your blog this year, soon after I had my son. I absolutely love reading your blog! I was clicking through old posts because I hadn't ever had the chance to read them. I had to do a double take. I can't get over how much Nella looks like Lainey in the last picture!!

melifaif said...

You know....Ihave been reading this blog of yours for YEARS now, but never had I read this!!!! And this so sweet and RAW, like you said. Especially since reading about Nella and her very own special RAW birth. I adore your family. Thank you for sharing such profound and sacred moments with us. I love you all....in your very own special way. Cheers to a gorgeous Lainey Love and beautiful Nella baby!!!! :)

paranoidparent said...

I started reading your blog mostly because I am obsessed with how you dress your girls!
I love the way life just works and the fact that you posted this exactly one year before Nella was born.

sabrina john said...

it was beautiful. perfect. kate bush's "this woman's work" played loud throughout the room. and i felt amazing. and i smiled and laughed and pushed. and right before she came out, my doctor looked at everyone and...i'll never forget...said, "don't take the baby...she wants to hold her" because i made it clear a couple days before i wanted her straight in my arms...as long as she was breathing...and i didn't want anyone taking her away from me.it was beautiful. perfect. kate bush's "this woman's work" played loud throughout the room. and i felt amazing. and i smiled and laughed and https://www.rx247.net pushed. and right before she came out, my doctor looked at everyone and...i'll never forget...said, "don't take the baby...she wants to hold her" because i made it clear a couple days before i wanted her straight in my arms...as long as she was breathing...and i didn't want anyone taking her away from me.

Arooj said...

So beautiful Kel. I love that this was the moment that started our friendship. What a place to begin. :) I love you. And by the way..I was NOT the bitch that told you, you had an upturned cervix. I dont even know what that is. Ha.Acetazolamide Kisses to Lainey from me. Cant wait to see her.

Freida Bowlby said...

This is a great story to read out. You have great memory and I am very inspired to read your story in which you describe step by step different stages even after some minutes. Your way of writing is exceptional and I like it. You are conveying great message to all the women who just going to birth their babies. vendajes neuromusculares