Monday, December 31, 2007
Sunday, December 30, 2007
She's going to sleep in her crib tonight for the first time. We said goodbye to the bassinet today, and I feel like I said goodbye to all of her babyhood. It's like trying to hold water in your hands...it just trickles through your fingers no matter how hard you try to keep it contained. She's trickling...
Tuesday, December 25, 2007
There will come a day when the grasp of your tiny fingers around mine won't take my breath away; when I won't stare at your pouty lips while you sleep. There will come a day when the way your toes curl when I tickle them won't send me into a fit of laughter or when the way you look at me won't make me cry. That day is not today, my Love.
Oh Holy Night. A Children's Choir. A Manger Scene at the front of the Sanctuary. Real candles. Church clothes. My heart was smiling...despite what it took to get everyone there, I'm so glad we did it.
...I wonder what the people were thinking...singing, eyes closed in their somber state of worship, and I pull out my big camera and start shooting pictures.
Monday, December 24, 2007
Saturday, December 22, 2007
Friday, December 21, 2007
I'm happy today. I really am despite the fact that I laid on my bed and bawled uncontrollably this morning--full on stomach lurching, body shaking, eyes swelling--an ugly cry to the utmost degree. After hours of packing last night and a heap of suitcases, bags and bins of presents next to the front door ready to be loaded up this morning, we decided to stay home. Yes...we. For the first time, I really feel unselfish--like I did something for Brett because I love him despite what everything inside me told me I wanted to do. I wanted to go to Michigan so badly--to spend Christmas Eve surrounded by family, to bundle up and sit next to my dad's fireplace on Christmas morning with Karen Carpenter singing "Merry Christmas, Darling" in the distance while the cinnamon scent from the rolls in the oven wafts through the air and the cold snow falls silently behind the window. Don't laugh...it's not a storybook...it's what it's really like in Michigan every Christmas--magic. I had every outfit for Lainey picked out from the red plaid dress she was going to wear at my brother's on Christmas Eve to the new green Fair Isle cardigan for Christmas morning. But, circumstances prevailed. Brett's in the middle of selling his business, and the stress overcame him this morning as he painfully admitted that leaving for a big trip in the midst of all of this was going to put him over the edge. The word "heart attack" was mentioned, if I recall. I could have cried and told him this was too important to me and that it would kill me not to go. That's true, but what is more true is that I love him, I love our family, and I want what is best for us regardless of how sad I am. So, instead, I cried and told him I thought it was best for us to stay. Now, I have to make the best of it. I could easily sulk and dwell on what I'm missing, but I'm not going to. For the first time, I am the matriarch of the Christmas traditions...I get to choose how we are going to do this. I will make cinnamon rolls on Christmas morning and play Karen Carpenter's "Merry Christmas, Darling." I will spray fake snow on the windows and tell the kids we are in Michigan. I will light a fire and choose to be happy. It's Lainey's first Christmas, and it WILL be magical. So, for now, I unpack and do things that make me happy, like take pictures of Lainey.
Thursday, December 20, 2007
Tuesday, December 18, 2007
We leave for our 22 hour drive to Michigan in three days. I have
laundry to wash, bags to pack, presents to wrap, places to clean, lists to make...but I keep getting sidetracked. There's this little face smiling at me. Play with me. Read to me. Hold me. She's good--really good. So, it's not that I can't get things done because she needs me. It's me. There's this constant reminder in the back of my mind that tomorrow she'll be bigger. So, today I soak her up. I snuggle her sweet cheeks, drink in her sugary baby breath, and kiss the soft fuzz on her head that will all too soon grow into real hair--hair that will hide the cute little bald head that keeps her a baby for now.
Sunday, December 16, 2007
Friday, December 14, 2007
Thursday, December 13, 2007
Wednesday, December 12, 2007
He does it every night with her. The Christmas Light Walk. Our house, the neighbor's house. She touches the lights so gently. He holds her so sweetly. I don't know what he's whispering to her or what it feels like to him to hold her, but to me, from the window...it's magic.
Tuesday, December 11, 2007
From Mother to Daughter: Shared Wisdom from the Heart: "Start now to be the kind of mother you always wanted to be. Don't wait until she's eighteen...Keep in mind that all she wants to be doing--for the greatest part of her young life--is what you're doing."
Early this morning, before Brett woke up, while the house was quiet, we did what we do every morning. We play in her room...I sip my coffee while I watch her pick up books, chew on dolls, inspect her rattles. It's quiet, and I love it. I was taking photos of her while she played and couldn't get her to smile for anything. Then, out of the blue....this magical little smile emerges. Little did I know, her daddy woke up and was standing quietly behind me. He does it to her every time. That girl loves her daddy so much!
Sunday, December 9, 2007
Saturday, December 8, 2007
Apparently blogging is the new black, and it looks fabulous on everyone else, so I'm dying to try it. I'm SO inspired by the creativity of my favorite bloggers, and I've been wanting to do it simply because it looks like SO much fun and is such a creative challenge. It's a blank canvas I can't wait to paint on! It's a new Hello Kitty diary complete with colored gel pens that I can't wait to write in! It's an empty scrapbook that is begging to be filled. It's a thousand dollar shopping spree to Michaels! So, here it is...a blank page. My hands are shaking! I can't wait to fill it... with the little things that make me happy. Beginning with... the wonderful inspiration of my ridiculously talented, creative, insightful sister whose blog is a tiny window (but a really pretty one with Shabby Chic curtains) into her life, one that I miss being a part of because I'm so far away. She got me started on this...check out her fabulousness at www.cjsrambling.blogspot.com